league one week two
Welcome to week 2,
News of the league being a shorter and a more intense 6 team format spurred on most teams as for the first time across all divisions it is believed by the 5 a side press that it is anybody’s league to win (apart from sporting lesbians 
. This week it was double trouble for both Clitoris All sorts and Lawrence 1. Clitoris achieved a feat that very few can claim; they recorded 2 wins from 2 defeating Lawrence 1 and the hotshots while a last second goal rescued a point for Lawrence in their double trouble encounter against the Jokers. In what has to be the news of the world the Latecomers record their first 3 point EVER, yes that’s right folks they beat the lesbians despite a remarkable comeback. I actually can’t believe it myself. It’s almost as unbelievable as Michael Owen staying fit for a whole season.
The match reports.
Clitoris All sorts dominated the early goings against Lawrence 1 but against the run of play the Aaron Lennon look alike Alex Cuthbert took Lawrence into the lead. That was about all the good news Lawrence were going to have in the first half with Clitoris’s secret weapon being unravelled in the shape of Clyde Southern. His first half combination with Payne and James at the back meant Lawrence may as well have just gone home early. At the half it was 5-1. The devastation for Lawrence continued as Payne added another right after the break, but the comeback began when Court stepped up front delivering some much needed fire power. Cuthbert and Jones got a goal apiece to take it to 6-3 but then a wonder strike that was belted on the half volley from Matt finished the game off with a bang. All sorts 7-3 Lawrence.
Lawrence had no rest and finally their sub policy was put to good use as new players started the match against the Jokers. Lawrence were once again missing something and some foolish goals were being let in with James Ong hitting 2 in the opening 2 minutes. Geraint Jones sparked some life into Lawrence but this was cancelled out by a skilful goal from Neil for Jokers. Lawrence clearly had been watching rocky videos as they just didn’t stay down and had the eye of the tiger with Steve Guest getting a goal. In what carried on to be a yoyo encounter Ong added another and Cuthbert got 1 back again. Lawrence just didn’t die. HT 4-3 jokers. Things then started to go right for Lawrence why you ask? Because they put a proper keeper in goal. Not saying Rashiv Or Tom you aren’t any good but you are a mere spec of goalkeeping talent compared to the myth that is Alex. Alex put his golden gloves on and saved from countless Joker opportunities, particularly frustrating Cadman, however he could do nothing as Stennard blasted the ball home. Lawrence then hit the post twice but then Gaz electrified the crowd with a cheeky goal and then in a sensational turn of events Jones got the leveller after a Stennard mistake and Toulson actually got a goal to take it to 6-5 as the Lawrence army fired their guns in the air with a sensational comeback. Sangatt Mann made two fine saves for the Jokers as they searched for the leveller and then after the ref said last attack Lawrence had countless opportunities to clear the ball it just wasn’t happening. A ball came off the wall and Stennard had to take it first time, from distance he struck and whoop there it is the crowd roars. Unbelievable game. Lawrence 1 6-6 Jokers
After a shock win for the hotshots last week one wondered if they could keep up their good fortune. With a dangerous front pairing of McLaughlin and Shin and Park strong at the back, Clitoris couldn’t break them down easily. Clyde managed to break the deadlock eventually but this was after Jigar hit the post for the hotshots and then at 1-0 down John hit the bar. Hotshots were coming and a great run down the wing by McLaughlin created a great strike and the equalising goal. Clitoris once again sorted out their shape and they were playing sensational football. Matt hit a goal before Clyde scored a ballerina like goal twirling around one player chipping it over the next and finishing on the half volley. Payne added well errr more pain for the hotshots but McLaughlin managed to get the hotshots back into it, 4-2 Clitoris. The 2nd half saw two cracking goals one form Chris Park (hotshots) who skilfully past all Clitoris players having the ball for a minute and Matt (Clitoris) with yet another cracker of a half volley. In honesty despite the hotshots trying to get back into the game Clitoris were too good and it ended. Clitoris 7-4 Hotshots.
Our last encounter saw something I have never seen before. That is the latecomers actually dominating the game from start to finish. Peace and Caddy were once again responsible but Knight made 3 fine saves in goal. Latecomers had an easy first half with Matt and Peace getting a goal apiece, while the lesbians barely mustered any decent attacks. The lesbians came alive in the 2nd half and a un selfish pass from Aaron Pour allowed for Nathan to finish. He then levelled with 10 minutes left on the clock. The Lesbians just didn’t seem like they were going for it losing then ball in attack and then not really defending meaning that Tarnjit had to pull off about 10 saves with his legs. The latecomer domination continued with Southgate having a crack. Lesbians couldn’t hold on and Jack got what turned out to be the winner with 5 minutes left on the clock. Latecomers 3-2 Lesbians
Player Cam
Game of the week. Talk about entertoonment at its highest level. Lawrence 1 6-6 Cokers Jokers had everything whinging, bad tackles, great skill, thundering goals, disallowed goals need I say any more.
Rocket Launchers. Matt (Clitoris) Hit two unbelievable half volleys that cracked the goal almost splitting it in half. Clyde (Clitoris) Also scored a skilful goal with a chip and a 360 making it look more like bale than football.
Crunching .Cowley (Clitoris), Cadman (Jokers). I’m not sure if they have been hit with tranquilisers before the game but all the challenges they make seem to actually get the ball this season. No mouthing, no bitching, and what’s this “Sorry mate” Holy crap I nearly died of a heart attack.
Cheeky chappies. Geraint Jones (Lawrence) With an intelligent and quickly taken free kick. Gaz (Lawrence) Going past one to somehow to his delicate left foot touch past the keeper.
Silky. Chris Park (Hotshots). Must have had the ball for at least a minute as he dodged every clitoris player.
Saves. Sangatt (Jokers) and Alex (Lawrence) in the 2nd half these two particularly Alex was in flying form. Jeremy (Latecomers) Also made 3 crucial saves even though he was quiet for the most part of the game.
A latecomer revival. As the Latecomers notch their first points on the board can they keep going and win again next week, with double trouble 2 weeks away they better notch as many points as they can as with the smallest squad in the league an hour may just be too much
Hat trick heroes. Clyde (Clitoris) James Ong (Jokers) McLaughlin (hotshots)
Team of the week
Gk Alex (Lawrence)
DF Chris Park (Hotshots)
MDF Michael Stennard (Cokers Jokers)
AMF Jack Caddy (Latecomers)
FW Clyde Southern (Clitoris)
Player of the week-. Clyde (Clitoris). With two exceptional performances. A hat trick on both occasions.
Please see the spreadsheet attached, let me know if anything is wrong.
Nilesh
Chairman of Aston Uni 5’s
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